High and low, mixed and missed

I was in C.hicago's G.rant Park on Tuesday night. I've never been a part of a crowd like that before. When O.bama was announced, with the closing of the polls in C.alifornia and the west coast, it was electric. Hundreds of thousands of people jumping, bouncing, clapping, and screaming. It went on forever. I didn't think it was going to stop. I've never hugged so many strangers in my life. I burst into tears and wept like I've never wept in public before. I could feel the tension of the last eight years (the rage, the shame) begin to drain away. It'll take a long time to undo what we've done in the world, generations probably, but Tuesday night was a beginning. And later, when O.bama addressed us, I couldn't stop grinning. Just think, we get to look at, and listen to, that guy (and his family!) for at least the next four years. My ears, assaulted and wounded by 8 years of inarticulate, contemptuous, sneering drivel .... My ears alone are happy. 

The best part of the night for me was that my mom joined us. And the last time my mom was in G.rant Park for a rally? 1965 with M.artin L.uther K.ing, Jr. Goosebumps.

But ..... (I'm such a sourpuss these days, you knew to expect a "but," didn't you?) .... My elation really only lasted about 12 hours. Until the news of P.rop 8 started to come in. And those results have really stung. It doesn't take the shine off of O.bama for me (I knew he had spoken against P.rop 8, but was publicly against gay marriage, and was basically trying to have it both ways and not being truly brave on our issue, but I knew that and voted for him anyway and loved him for other reasons), but it does take the shine off of the victory celebration. This one really, really hurts. It hurts more than A.rizona, A.rkansas, and F.lorida, which also voted in favor of discrimination the same night. And it hurts more than O.hio's asshole vote last time around. 

Why? In part because C.alifornia is supposed to be true blue, a mecca for us, a land of acceptance, a place where the gays aren't simply tolerated, but mainstreamed and just as ordinary as anyone else.  But the real reason the shine came off for me is that it pulled back the curtain and showed me that even those Americans who were my allies in presidential politics this time around, aren't in favor of my civil rights. C.alifornia went blue (obviously). That means that people who supported the same candidate that I did, didn't support me. This can't be blamed on conservatives. This has to be blamed on people more politically like me. Yick. 

That, and perhaps the worst of all, unlike in other states where people ban gay marriage in a hypothetical sense, before it even exists, the voters of C.alifornia chose to take away an existing right. And that is really painful. You have to really be a hater, or really have fear in your heart, to actively take away a right and a freedom which already exists, and which you've had several months to see doesn't hurt anyone. 

So call me a party pooper (as some friends and family have implied), but the shine is already off for me. And the fight goes on.

In other (read: fertility) news, I'm way behind on blog commenting, my friends. Partly because so many of you are NaBloPoTooMuching and I can't keep up, and partly because we're still on our pause. And part of the pause for me has been to step back a bit from the reading and thinking all the time about fertility. I miss you, don't want to step back from you, but need to be sporadic right now about my reading and commenting .... But I still heart you all, just as much.