But the only thing at all that has calmed me this weekend has been the time that my sweetie and I spent yesterday, online, looking at adoption options and adoption agencies. I felt a deep calm. Not that I think adoption is easy or stress-free, I know enough people who have done it to know that it comes with its own set of emotions, and fears, and setbacks, and waiting and disappointments .... But somehow, I found a lot of peace in our (renewed) contemplation of that process. And peace is not something I've felt at all around the TTC process. When I look back at 2008, I realize that I was tense and scared and embattled and worried and ..... not my best self. Certainly not at peace. Hmmm .....
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Hmmmm...
Have been having high stress in anticipation of doctor's appointment on Monday. Will she give me a referral? Will the clinic I'd like to use stop taking the insurance I fought so hard to get, as is rumored? Where would I go if so? Will I have to have fibroid surgery? When would I be able to start up trying again? Would we go directly to IVF? What if I don't get the referral? Can we afford to do anymore than we've already done on our own? How will we pay for more? Terrifying. I'm trying to beat back the nervousness, trying to visualize the doctor saying, "oh, I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you, here is the referral ... "
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4 comments:
peace is good... hold on to that! perhaps you can hold it like a pebble in your pocket to ward off some of the worry and stress of what the dr might say or what the clinic might do... and once you know what your new options are, know that you can always choose that path that feels more peaceful if when the dust clears the other still seem terrifying. sending you love for your appt tomorrow.
2008 was just a sucky year, all around.
hope tomorrow's appointment goes smoothly & you get that referral. good luck!
Looking at adoption gave me a lot of peace too, and I did a lot of reading about it during my last months of TTC. Even though I ended up pregnant I think that research (into how to parent an adopted child, talk to your child about an adoption, interact with birth parents, etc) will make me a calmer, better, more reasonable and accepting parent. It's good work to be doing and gets you in the mode of thinking like a parent more than a TTCer, which is what we all ultimately want anyway. Sometimes the process just takes over.
Good luck at the clinic today.
Good luck at the appointment!
And good for you, noticing which path is bringing you peace and which brings stress.
One of these paths will make you a mom!
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