But I think I have a bigger problem than not "getting" visualization. Like lately I realized that I can't even think (let alone visualize) past this TTC process. When people say, "when you have a baby," I think they are just being polite. I don't actually believe that I will have a baby. I've gotten so mired in the disappointment, I've forgotten that there will be an end to this process someday. I don't know the projected due date of any cycle/attempt (I mean, I can count months, of course, but I don't/haven't ever). I've never thought "oh, if this works, this baby will be born in X month." Travelher recently sent me an adorable onesie. And it was a total jolt. What is that thing doing in my house? I held it in my hands, and it didn't feel like mine, it felt like the kind of gift I buy for other people. You know, the pregnant ones. A receptionist at the sperm bank said to me once, "Don't forget to call us when you get pregnant!" and I actually laughed. I'm not sure I actually believe that all this stirrup-mounting and money-spending is going to work. We don't even indulge that often in choosing baby names or other fun stuff. It may have started as not wanting to jinx things. Or not wanting to get my hopes up too high, trying to protect myself (ourselves) from too much disappointment, but it has morphed into something else. It's only about this process, not about the outcome. I can't see an outcome anymore. I'm like the bride who thinks about the wedding and forgets the marriage. There are so many important conversations about after I get pregnant that my partner and I aren't talking about (jobs, day care, money, homes, location, etc.). The same way we don't talk about where we're going to retire. It's just so far off as to not be relevant.
I think I really need to work on this. I need to learn visualization. Or something.
18 comments:
i had a really hard time with visualization while ttc. I never bought anything, we didn't talk names, we just focused on ttc. It really wasn't superstition, it just felt like self-protection. so - work on visualization, but don't stress out about it.
When people say, "when you have a baby," I think they are just being polite. I don't actually believe that I will have a baby.
Yes. Yes yes yes. To this whole post.
it's going to happen! no one knows when, but it will. dp is a big fan of visualizations. it's amazing how it works sometimes, but it does.
Oh I could so have written this. All the books we bought went unread beyond the TTC chapters; no baby goodies, not even any mooning or imagining. We didn't talk names and certainly never worked out due dates. Even now, pregnant, I still have to steel myself not to correct everybody with a "hopefully, if we get that far" whenever they mention scan dates or midwife appointments to come, let alone the birth or a real live baby.
Don't sweat it too much though. Even terminal doubters can get pregnant.
vee
We were so convinced it didn't work this time, we didn't visualize ANYthing. Whatever you think or don't think, if it's going to happen, it'll happen...and it WILL happen. Don't you forget that and don't lose hope. It's going to be such a happy surprise.
- Strawberry
I totally hear you. Most of the time it feels like TTC is the destination (the sucky, repetitive, heart-breaking destination...why did I get on again?) and not the journey. It's so hard to know you've had X number of failures and believe that one of these tries might actually work - it doesn't make logical sense. But it will work! As hard as it is for me to see that for us, I can see it clearly for other people. Which is how I know it will happen for us too.
xo
I think you've channeled my thoughts for this post. :)
I am so good at compartementalizing my feelings, that I have a hard time stepping past what's right in front of me. You know, it's like 400 miracles need to happen in order to get a BFP, that it almost seems silly to think beyond it.
Getting started with visualization is tough. One thing that might help is if you give yourself a little sensory boost. Close your eyes and smell some baby shampoo or baby lotion and maybe picture yourself holding your baby. I'm a smell-girl - so this is something that would work for me.
Don't stress if it takes you a few times to feel good about it. Just let yourself get used to it.
Yes visualization is good! I did it all the time and still do. You should really try it!
I don't believe that visualization are magic...they don't make things happen, but it does help to keep the goals in mind and to help remind ourselves of why we put ourselves through the pain of TTC.
And I always use visualization to cure the hiccups...it works everytime!!!
It is amazing how much so many of us think alike. I read your post to my wife and she was amazed at how much you sound like me.
When. We just have to keep saying when.
Great post. This is exactly how I felt while TTC. Vee is right--terminal doubters can and do get pregnant.
I too could have written this post. I think it is important for all of us to find hope in this process when and where we can (because it is tough), but just make sure that this does not become one more thing you have to do or that you feel guilty about not doing.
It is great to be in a "good" place mentally and emotionally about this process, but it does not affect the outcome. I felt as though I would never get pregnant and I did. I certainly did not "feel" or imagine that I would miscarry and yet that happened as well.
Do what you can to survive this process the best you can.
All these comments just go to show you that you are not alone, and all of us are not alone. What helped my visualization of conception is the opening scene to "Look Who's Talking". You can view it on You Tube. It cracks me up and it's not so textbookie. I also chose a song that helps me with the visualization, which is why I have the George Harrisoon song, "I've Got My Mind Set On You" on my blog. It just so happened to be in the movie too. Hope that helps. You're in our prayers. I can't see past the ttc either, but hey...one step at a time is fine by me.
Also meant to add that I totally agree with those who write that you don't have to have pressure on yourself or get better at visualization or whatever. It's a rough road so everybody's got to cut themselves some slack and give themselves the kindness they extend to others. :)
hey lizzie,
i just received a response from you over at the ivp...(blocked left tube etc etc etc) i'm gonna add you to my blog roll, k? i'm glad to have found you and look forward to reading about your jouney.
i'm at www.boombababy.wordpress.com
shawn
ditto times a thousand
I have a hard time with the whole visualization thing. It makes me feel as if--if you do X, Y, or Z, then it will work. I understand needing to stay hopeful and open but where is the line between being hopeful and open and practicing visualization and then NOT BLAMING YOURSELF if it doesn't work? It's almost easier for me to remind myself that it is all just fucking random (cold comfort, but there it is) and nothing I do or say or think will positively or negatively affect the outcome.
this post hit close to home, i really understand what you're going through. I definitely start to feel like it's never going to happen, too, sometimes. We've got to find a way to keep our chins up, right? hugs
hi sweet lizzie! i know this is an old post, i read the last 10 of your posts today (i put you in my goo*gle reader wrong and was wondering why you were not writing, dur!) dakota showed me a post today and i was mortified that i have been missing you!
about this post... i am not one much for *visualization* for realization - feels to hooey to me ;) that said, i love to read the baby name books... and i think a lot about how we might organize our lives (work? daycare?) once we have kids AND at the very same time, i can't really imagine/see/*visualize* us having said babies... all this coexists in my head/body/heart. i used to feel embarrassed about looking at baby names or reading about pregnancy, and would want to hide the books from dakota when she walked in. you'd think it was porn! but, now i share it all with her and i tell you, i feel WAY more sane :)
i say this not to imply you should do any particular thing, just to say that letting myself try things and then going with what feels right really has helped me.
back on the blog track ;)
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