Friday, October 24, 2008
Smack
My former assistant just told me she is pregnant. On her 2nd try. She was using a known donor with fresh sperm, and she's much younger than I am. Still. I want to poke myself in the eye with a fork. Repeatedly. And did I mention that last week, on my birthday, two friends wrote to say they were pregnant. "I'm pregnant! Happy birthday!" Ouch. I have officially become a person who is devastated by other people's happiness. I didn't even cry when this last cycle failed. Was numb. But today, when my former assistant told me her news (thank god by email), I just lost it. I am so jealous I could die.
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16 comments:
It's an ugly to be. This is the part of the process that leaves you wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out until you're pregnant. I think a big part of that has to do with not wanting to see new moms cooing to their infants or have those in your periphery exclaim that they are pregnant.
In this last cycle, I was thinking about what a mindfuck it would be to be on the other side of the fence... newly pregnant and loving it... all the while not wanting to be the one who is envied and whose joy brings others sadness.
I have to say, I'm pretty numb too. I'm wondering if the emotion is going to hit me in a couple of days (like it did last month) or if I'm now entering a numb phase where I just go through the motions expecting more and more of the same disappointment.
I'm right here with you.
Lizzie,
I'm sorry. So so sorry. To have it hit so close to home, twice, when you're in a tough part of your journey.
I'm struggling with jealousy too, and hate that I can't find the off switch. It's even creeping in when women who've had longer and/or more difficult journeys get pregnant, which is seriosly effed up. I wish there could be a Jealousy Festivus... just get it all out and be done with it.
Thinking of you.
i'm sorry... it is a crazy roulette game out there... i am still holding out that your number will hit soon. in the mean time all those who hit the jackpot on the first or second spin need to step back! and on your birthday, hurumph! what is wrong with people!?
It can be so painful.
(((hugs)))
Last week I found out in the span of 36 hours that 3 of my co-workers are pregnant. Two of them got pregnant on their honeymoons--gasp--they weren't even trying! Eh.
Also, 2 IRL friends are about to give birth any day now...
It's tough. It really is, I know.
But I think it probably sucks even worse when you have to hear it on your own birthday.
Sorry, hon.
my assistant got pregnant on her *first* try. it was really difficult dealing her her happiness (and growing belly) each day. i couldn't even bring myself to go to her babyshower.
sorry you're having this pop up all around you right now, its miserable.
It is amazing how when you are *trying*, everyone around you suddenly gets pregnant. I mean, seriously. Is Karma that mean? I am now one of those people as well that can barely see a baby without going into a panic. Reality sucks.
I totally understand and I think it is totally normal. It sucks that it is so hard for some to get pregnant and so easy for others. Even though Sum is pregnant, I am slightly sad and jealous because I really wanted to be pregnant. It's hard to be happy for others who get what you want so badly, and you won't be happy for anyone else until you get your turn. Even though it took us nearly 3 years and 2 miscarriages to finally achieve a pregnancy, I still feel bad that we got it when others like you guys are still trying! I just wish it was so easy for all of us!
Bleurggh! That's just shitty.
I have officially become a person who is devastated by other people's happiness.
I get it. Totally.
I totally get it. Hang in there.
Yes. I often chide myself for feeling that way too, but how else are we expected to feel??
I do have one friend (irl, several people online) that I am thrilled for...but even with her I have my moments.
It is okay and completely normal to feel that way, but I certainly wish we didn't have to.
I cried after my sister told me she was pregnant-- and I was already 12 weeks along myself. I hate that I reacted that way, but it still burns-- pregnant on her second try with her own husband and in her own bed, not stirrups.
Ugh, that's awful and I totally understand how you feel. It's been agonizing watching my boss' belly grow. And the other day I almost started crying in the grocery store when a women kept blissfully chatting with her adorable baby in every aisle I was in...a woman I don't even know! But the news on your bday is the worst.
I'm so jealous I could die to. Every day. It is like living in hell. I hear ya. So, very, very much.
Shit. I am so sorry. I feel exactly the same way when I hear that anyone around me is pregnant (well, with the exception of my fertility group friends and some online people who I feel have totally earned it). It is all just so unfair and no matter how long I'm at this, I never stop wanting it to be fair; I never stop wanting hard work to lead to results.
Anyway, I'm right there with you and I'll be hating her from MA.
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