It was hard to say goodbye. I waited 'til the last possible minute, unsure of myself perhaps, until the end. Wanted to get one whole cycle done with the RE's office to be absolutely sure I liked them and was ready to switch. So in the meantime, I've been totally two-timing the feminist clinic. Paid them an "off-cycle" fee in July to hold my place in their program, and then slipped off in the wee hours to rendez-vous with the dildo-cam. But today I'm a reformed woman. I've broken up with the basal body thermometer, with the OPKs, with the ovulation on my own, the who knows how many follicles of who knows which size. I've embraced my new lover, she of the Clomid, the trigger shots, the ultrasounds, of the lining measurements, and of the ovulating when the clinic wants me to so that I can make a 9am appointment. We're going steady, just me and the RE now.
Seriously, though, this whole process has been a lesson in what kind of medical care I really want. Truth be told, I really (still) like the feminist clinic.* I like that I never had a single moment there that smacked of homophobia (or a single thought myself that smacked of internalized homophobia), that my partner and I were the target population for their program, not the lesbos tossed in with the "regular" infertility crowd. I liked that they don't like medication. I liked that they are a non-profit. I like their politics. I liked learning about my body, its rhythms, its natural cycles and abilities. I liked charting. We met really awesome people at the clinic and in its AI support group. I really liked their prices. And, hell. I might still be there, if my sister hadn't had obstetric problems so I hadn't thought to ask for an HSG for myself. If I hadn't learned about the faulty tube. If I wasn't 36 and terrified that I'm late to the party.
But now that I've moved on, I know that it was the right choice. This process may still be long and painful, but at least I'll be able to see what I'm doing. Plus, the feminist clinic has a waiting list for their program, so the guilt got to me. I couldn't keep my place in line any longer. Had to make my choice.
*Though like a sad breakup, I'm romanticizing it now that its over, and completely forgetting about things like the great os debacle of '08 and my anger about that, my frustration at the clinic's calm in the face of failure, etc.
9 comments:
Good for you. Just think, as you're learning to advocate for yourself and the level of intervention that you prefer, you're getting great practice for being pregnant, planning labor, and getting good care for your kids. I really hope that you get to put these lessons into practice soon!
sorry for your breakup blues, but glad to hear you and your new lover are still speeding toward the end of a 2ww and a maybe baby! it is very cool that you took on making such a difficult and important change when it might have felt safer to hunker down and stay put even though things didn't feel right. thank you for your leadership :)
Congratulations on the break up. We initially thought of going with a lo-fi lesbian clinic but ultimately decided to embrace a more traditional approach. I was grateful for what I learned while associated with the clinic and think that it was a very necessary step in this whole process, but I know we made the right decision for us. Hope you continue to feel the same.
Take care
Breaking up IS hard to do. Good on you for dealing with it though. Right clinic, wrong time/wrong girl. They'll be right for someone else. I hope you and your new RE have a short and successful relationship!
Welcome to the other side! I hope your stay here is short and brings you something sweet!
Your gut has been right during this process and I think this is a savvy move. It is rough to move on, but I bet the clinic won't be going anywhere. Hopefully you will have the option to take some sort of birthing/labor support class there very soon!!
It sounds like the right decision for you. The feminist clinic sounds awesome in a lot of ways but if you don't think you're getting what you need then it's not for you. Good luck with the new RE!
Well I am glad you are doing what is right for you and figuring things out early on.
This post really hit home with me. When we started, I was in love with an AI program in the city-- we went to the orientation and talked about how great it would be-- but a few long cycles later I wanted to try some Clomid (a no-go with this au naturale program), so we were sent on to our current clinic. To tell the truth, I have never looked back. I can't help it-- the science makes me feel safer. I like seeing my eggs; I like the fact that we have a doctor who went to Harvard AND Yale. I like the fact that we have a bit more knowledge and a bit more control now. I think I need that. Anyway, I hear you.
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