Monday, September 29, 2008
Bad night
I couldn't sleep last night. I know I'm over-tired. I know this is the worst time to think, plan, consider, re-evaluate. But I'm up, I've been up for hours, and I'm scared. I'm supposed to go in to the clinic in a few hours to make sure that last month's C.lomid cycle didn't give me cysts. And if it didn't, then I start right back on the C.lomid and we're off to the races for number 6. I have no enthusiasm for this try. I don't believe it will work. And I'm terrified, because after 6 tries, we'll reconsider. We bought a bunch of sperm awhile ago. Semi-committed to going the IVF route, for now, instead of the adoption route. But I know they're going to tell me to have my fibroid removed before IVF. Totally mixed signals on that one. It's not impinging on the cavity, "women get pregnant all the time with fibroids," etc. Yet, they don't like that it is there. And I bet they're going to make me remove it. And I'm scared of the surgery. Scared it will do more damage and leave scar tissue. And then I looked up the "shared risk" cost program at the clinic we would likely use for IVF (not the one we're currently using). Because I don't think I can count on insurance. And one of the requirements for the discount program is that you'd have to be able to complete 3 rounds of IVF before your 38th birthday. Well, my 37th is in a couple weeks. I feel like I suddenly went from "just barely on the wrong side of 35" to "too old" overnight. I don't know what we can afford. I don't know how much disappointment I can take. I'm miserable and my partner is asleep.
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8 comments:
sweet lizzie... i'm sorry you were scared in the night :(
i know your plan is 6, then you reconsider... but, you *can* sit down together and talk about that... it doesn't have to *stay* the plan if it doesn't feel right anymore.
i know the up for hours, we had another *not pregnant* test this am at 4, yes, 4am... i could not go back to sleep... wish i could have been sitting with you plotting, didn't want to wake dakota when she fell back asleep, she is sleep deprived as it is. i go in for blood anyway this am...
you are NOT too old. if the clinic you are considering is pushing down a path you think is not right - surgery that is not proven necessary and is going to relate to you like your time is up when it comes to IVF, is there anywhere else you can go? and if not, can you have a firm conversation with the RE there about what you would need to work with them?? not that that is easy, but you should not feel at the mercy of their policies if they can not even show that there is good reason to follow them!
You should email me so can give you my phone number and you can call me. I know where you are and I really feel your panic. I'm so sorry Lizzie.
Yes, the middle of the night is the worst time to let your mind wander free. I fully agree. But it also seems to be the time when the mind most wanders.
I'm so sorry that things are going rough right now. I wish I had advice on the fibroid, but I don't have any experience there so my advice would be real honest assvice.
I'll hope for strength for you, that the two of you together can find the path that is right for you. Don't let any one force you down a path...you two make that decision.
xxoo
On cycle 6 myself, I completely understand. But re-evaluating doesn't mean you have to go where you thought you would, 6 cycle-tries ago. That's the whole point of re-evaluating. *hugs* I hope you can get some sleep to make up for it tonight.
hey sweetie
i'm so sorry this is so hard. i HATE that up in the night feeling because feelings in the middle of the night are always WAY worse than they are in the light of day.
i will only say the same thing everyone else is saying, you can keep re-considering for as long as you want until things feel right. and even if they don't feel right you can re-consider again.
feel free to email me any time... and hang in there. we are thinking about you and sending you much love and support.
xo
i'm sorry that you were awake with your mind running. ttc is a whole lot of stress.
i'm going to agree with someone else's comment and suggest that you have a strong sit down conversation with the RE and discuss what it is that makes him/her think that the past 5 cycles didn't work. was it the dose of clomid, the days that it was taken, the timing of the insemination, your p. levels after the insemination. what was it? they should have some answer for you because i'm sure they have done sooo many blood tests and gathered soo much information in these past 5 cycles.
please force them to discuss that with you, especially if you haven't done so already. and if you have, make them talk about it again.
i have my fingers crossed for you.
Oh babe. I so understand. And I so get that fear. Really, I do. I am so fucking afraid of trying anymore because each no hurts exponentially more than the no before it and after 7 of those there's only so much torture you want to subject yourself to. And then, I think of not trying, and that option is even worse. And then I feel stuck--like all the options I have are hard and painful. Hugs and love to you. We're all here for you. xoxo
I'm so sorry, Lizzie. *hugs*
- Strawberry
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