P.S. I hope it's clear that I have no desire to "bam" any pregnant ladies!!! Or any sweet babies!!! Just that I felt "bammed" by the universe.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Cystville
I have to wait for the clinic to call me back this afternoon with the results of the bloodwork to confirm, but the ultrasound tech found a cyst on my left ovary this morning. I know it's there, actually, in retrospect I know I've been feeling it. (Total aside: I love my dark, brooding Eastern European ultrasound tech.) Anyway, I was actually relieved about the cyst, as strange as that sounds. This morning I considered not going to my appointment at all, and skipping a month. I felt out of control. Like I don't have enough info from the doctor, like I don't know what I'm doing. Like the medical, emotional, and financial crush was too much all at once. But then my partner woke up, and we decided that I would regret skipping this month just because I had one sleepless night and one bad morning. That I would feel like I'd wasted time. So, I went. (Another aside: there were like 4,012 pregnant woman between my house and the doctor's office. I felt like I was in some bad 1980's video game, and instead of space invaders, I had bellies and babies jumping out at me at random. Eight month belly crossing the street. Bam. Double-wide stroller in the parking lot. Bam. Bam. Bam.) So anyway, when she saw the cyst, I sort of felt like I was off the hook. I get to back away, take a deep breath, etc. And it is medically enforced, not just my wimpy-ness. So, I'm ok with this. For now. Though I reserve the right to not be ok with in a few hours, or tomorrow, or whatever. Bam.
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7 comments:
I was convinced the clomid had given me cysts last month as well. And then, somehow, it didn't, according to my scan last week. (I don't 100% trust that, as my ovaries have pinched me non-stop for 5 weeks now but...).
Anyway, my rambling point is that I was almost hoping that the doc WOULD find a cyst. And I would have an excuse and a reason to take a break.
Breaks fucking suck. So, I won't sugercoat that. But, I hope you have a few weeks to think and talk and process and mull over and marinate...and that you start to feel a little less unraveled.
breaks do fucking suck. Though I found, for me, being on an enforced one was easier than (contemplating) one taken by my own choice. *hugs* I hope this cycle off can be cleansing, in many ways.
So glad you went to your appointment this morning. Enjoy your break... enjoy every minute.
enjoy the break if you can....sometimes they can be greatly needed - physically, emotionally...whatever the reason, try to make the best of it. hope the cyst thing is nothing to worry about and you are preggo in no time!!! xo
damn the cyst! i'm really sorry that you have to take break but i do hope that you enjoy your time away from the worry.
I'm glad you're going ahead with this month and I totally understand the crush of emotions and finances and medicine and feeling out of control. I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now and that sucks you encountered so many pregnant people and babies!
Hugs.
Well, I for one DO want to hit pregnant women that I see (I also want to scream at them and claw their eyes out sometimes). I'm not sorry.
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