Thursday, March 6, 2008
True confessions
I'm on the wrong side of 35. I may drive my family into debt trying to figure this baby thing out. Sometimes I get really scared. Sometimes I operate from a position of fear, jealousy, and an irrational sense of deprivation. Like I think that there are a finite number of babies in the world and when other people get pregnant I feel like there is one less chance for me. Usually in these moments I eat ice cream and watch Olivia Benson on old episodes of SVU. I know that none of this is helpful, productive, or wise. I know that these thoughts, attitudes, and ice cream behaviors could undermine my own TTC process. So I get mad at myself for these ugly thoughts and counter productive behaviors. Which is also not helpful. I live in Crazy Land.
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7 comments:
It happens to the best of us, I promise! It will get better!
Well, at least the company is good here in Crazy Land.
Ice cream can help. No joke. There's some study out there showing that full fat dairy is correlated with higher fertility. And while those thoughts may not HELP your process, they aren't actually going to hurt it. (Believe me, I know those mind games and am very good at them too, but beating yourself up mentally in an ever downward spiral doesn't help.)
And I also know what it's like to panic about the long term when things aren't working in the short term (very good at that, too) but from a more objective point of view, you don't need to be taking out a second mortgage yet, or jumping to medication, or signing up for adoption intros (all of which I thought about, too). Hang on for a few more tries and hopefully you'll get pregnant and be able to put all of this behind you. You're still way, way, way on the good side of the odds, having tried only once. Even for us "elderly" chicks (speaking from the ripe old vantage point of 37 as of yesterday).
It is a really maddening, frustrating, agonizing process. Just keep breathing and taking it one day (or one hour or minute or...) at a time.
PS - My word verification is OhXTC, which I think HAS to be a good sign!
Thanks for the birthday wishes.... If you want evidence of madness, just go back and read my archives from May, June and July of 05, and May-December of this year. Those were the months we were trying and failing or unable to try. You'll see how quickly a sane person can go from "I know the statistics" to "Book my IVF intake, call the social worker, and oh, steal that baby over there." But it DOES work, somehow, someway, for most of us, and I have confidence you'll get there. Not when or how, but that you will.
PS - If you do read our archives, the friend/midwife referenced throughout probably worked at your feminist clinic about 8 years ago. (How many lesbian/feminist insem clinics in the midwest can there be?!?!?)
PLEASE, don't worry yourself about age. I'm not a doctor, BUT I do know this: People are living longer, starting families later on in life, and their lifestyles are WAY different -- they're living healthier today, "not putting themselves in harm's way"... so to speak. Also, you see many woman having babies later in life, and it's NORMAL, now ... I know, I basically just repeated myself ... but, just sayin'...
I have learned, and experienced, being raised as a Catholic, that reproducting is not discriminative ... Did that make sense? Okay, I'll just say this: My grammy AND my momma were pregnant AT THE SAME TIME! I know, ... pretty cool, eh? Just keep yourself as healthy as you can, ... You'll be okay ...
I Wish You Much Peace,
Brooke
Oh, I can totally relate, but I must admit I can't always sit through SVU... Did you see the "Inconceivable" episode when the embryos were stolen? That was a bit much for me, but, of course, I 'forced' myself to watch the whole thing.
Anyhoo, some days are better than others, especially as I approach my 38th birthday.
But, hey, at least we have the blogosphere, right? Right?
xo
That "finite number of babies" thing-- I do that all the time. My wife has to keep reminding me that it is not a race! You are right at home with all your crazy thoughts, here in blogland.
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