Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

Quick update. If you read the date stamp, you'll see I'm up in the night again.  I seem to be in one of my no sleep/worry cycles. Sigh. The RE raised three concerns/issues/problems at the appointment yesterday:

1. Blocked tube - reduces chances 50% off the bat - various options. More about this below.

2. Fibroid - this comes from the CD3 ultrasound so I'm glad I did that - apparently I have a moderately large (5cm) fibroid in my anterior uterine wall - totally asymptomatic for what it's worth, and NOT impinging on the uterine cavity, and fibroids are very common but she doesn't like it. And it's not small. If we were to do surgery to get another look at the tubes, she'd have them take it out while they were in there.

3. MTHFR gene - my sister has it, I should get tested, it has a range of implications for pregnancy (if/when we get there) but is manageable. 

There are several options. We are leaning toward the least invasive. Are we crazy? The first two options she presented - 1) laparoscopic surgery to look at the tubes, determine if the one that is open is in good shape, repair (??? didn't know you could even try) the blocked one if is possible, or more likely, since it is mild, drain it (but they can re-fill with fluid even if drained) or chop it off so the fluid has no chance of draining back into the uterus and interfering with a pregnancy. 2) bypass the tubes altogether, skip the surgery ("some people just don't want to have surgery" she said and I'm thinking, "um, yeah, if it's not 100% necessary") and go to IVF and hope that the blocked tube doesn't drain back into the uterus or otherwise negatively impact the IVF.

Neither of these options are so appealing to us. Surgery can leave additional scar tissue, it doesn't sound like the fibroid is enough to go in after by itself (although strangely the fibroid might force the insurance to cover the surgery where the tube/fertility issue is not covered -despite the fact that it's the same surgery). I know that people do this surgery for fertility stuff all the time - I have a relative who had it done. It's not that dramatic, but we are conservative, it IS a general anesthesia, surgery can do/create damage. I don't know. Sweetie (who came with me to this appointment) is really, really not into this option. As for IVF, we don't qualify for insurance yet, although we might in the future if we switch insurance and have more failed IUIs under our belt. Or if both tubes were blocked (which doesn't seem to be). Can't afford it.

So, toward the end, we asked about monitored IUIs. Only doing insems when there were follicles on the open tube side. Yes, that would be ok, she would not be averse to doing that, at least for a few cycles (she has a lot of skepticism for our 2 unmonitored cycles at the feminist clinic, very little tolerance for the lack of a trigger shot and for the fact that there is no evidence the follicles were on the 'good' side when we shot the sperm, she doesn't even see them as "real tries").

So, we are leaning toward some monitored IUIs ..... BUT (are you still with me?) they still don't know 100% which freakin' side the blocked tube is on. I can't believe I'm even typing this. After an HSN (possible blocked tube on the left) and then an HSG (I swear the doc said out loud to me that left was blocked, but later his report reads that the block is on the right), it is f*cking unclear. The films could have been reversed (!!!) in either case, she said. Neither the HSN or HSG films are labeled left/right, so she can only go by the pictures in front of her, but "these films get reversed all the time, the tech could flip a switch and print them backward." She - this RE - says that with her ultrasound machine she always prints a marker directly on the films themselves on the right side so it's always clear which is which, but neither the HSN or HSG films are marked and the notes from the two docs mention two different sides.  Cue: bewilderment for me, rage/anger for my sweetie. We have paid for TWO major tests and they don't know. She did a quick wand/dildocam/ultrasound in her office and couldn't see evidence of a blocked tube on EITHER side. So where is it? I have to call the radiologist who did the HSG and complain. I may have to do another test (a guy in the suburbs with some huge 3D ultrasound - but what proof do we have that he will see it / find it???) It feels like total absurdistan to me. We're flying just as blind as we were at the feminist clinic and we've spent so much money on tests. WTF?

In other notes - we both still like this doc. She took an hour with us, is very down to earth. Couldn't give two hoots about the gay stuff, etc. There was one moment, however, that seemed ok at the time, but is pissing me off the more I think about it. She was so ok with the lesbo stuff that she actually seemed to think of it as an advantage - two uteruses instead of one. Which I get. At one point, after running through the three issues I've got - she looked at my sweetie and said, "what about you trying?" In the moment it was semi-ok, good-spirited. But in retrospect I'm hating it. First, it makes me feel like shit / like a failure or lost cause. Second, it shows a total lack of understanding about where we might be in our relationship or the decision-making that goes into this. I know a lot of couples (most?) do consider both uteruses (uteri?) but that's not an option for us as a couple. Sweetie isn't going to carry. That's just not the way we roll. And I guess, as a straight person, it didn't occur to her that we might be that way? Or that it might be complicated and that we're not interchangeable?

Advice? Thoughts? What would J.esus do?