Up in the middle of the night

Was hot and couldn't sleep. Then, lying there, I started thinking. Always dangerous. Must be that I'm nervous about my RE appointment tomorrow/today. Started worrying about how this is ever going to work, how I'm going to get insurance to cover anything, how we're going to afford this .... whether and when I should be job searching instead of continuing to consult .... on and on into this cycle of financial worry and life choices. Then I realized that somewhere along the line, I think I stopped believing that this would (will) work. That's when I knew sleep wasn't going to return. Maybe it's because we've been out for 3 of the last 5 cycles and so I haven't had - for what seems like a long time - that sense of possibility that comes in the moment after the insemination when you think, "This could be it." There's been no "this" that could be "it" for us. Or maybe it's the blocked tube - turning up problems when we were barely out of the gate. Or maybe it is my age, creeping up and up, relentlessly. I was actually shocked last week when my bloodwork came back "normal." I think I've come to expect disaster and disappointment. Seriously? After only two tries? What happened? I don't think of myself as a pessimistic person. I do try to keep hopes in check because I hate the burn of foolishness that comes with disappointment, but I've always been someone who believed in the possible, the positive. So what's happened? I know my sweetie senses that my perception/emotion is out of whack with our reality - disproportionate somehow. She'll look at me quizzically when I sound doubtful that I'll ever be pregnant, and she says, "But we've only tried twice. We've only tried twice." So rational that one. She isn't gripped by fear. She doesn't read the books, the blogs, doesn't know all the pitfalls that are out there, hasn't schooled herself in the possibility that this could go on and on and result in nothing. Wow, the middle of the night is dark.