I had an appt. today with the nurse at the RE's office, to go over C.lomid instructions and to learn how to do a trigger shot. For the next cycle. And I sort of freaked out. I know that because I have one blocked tube that getting monitored is smarter (and ultimately cheaper) than continuing to throw sperm up my hoo-hah blindly. But taking this next step to C.lomid and a trigger is scary. The trigger is scary b/c it is scary. But I have a friend who is a nurse and will do it for me this month. (My sweetie is not loving the idea of doing it this first time, but I'm sure we'll get the hang of it eventually.) And the C.lomid is scary because I'm sitting there thinking, "I've never had a cyst in my life and I'm about to choose to take medicine that could likely give me cysts." WTF? I know I ovulate. Is this C.lomid boost really necessary? I know that lots of folks do it. I know two people personally who got pregnant on the first IUI try, using C.lomid. That's enough advertising (or should be). Anyway, I walked away scared. And it's not really the C.lomid or the trigger. It's the ratcheting up. It's the new notch. It's the falling down the rabbit hole, faster and faster. It's taking the next step. It's being treated as infertile when I've only tried 3 times. Etc. (I know I'm wimpy and so many of you have ratcheted it up so much further already.) It's also the war I'm fighting with myself. I know my body, I believe I can get pregnant (or I did, once upon a time), I wanted this to be as natural as possible (yes, with frozen sperm shipped from the west coast and a catheter up my hoo-hah, totally natural). I'm distrustful of western medicine. But I'm simultaneously scared NOT to embrace it.
It would be sooooooooo nice if this current cycle worked and I didn't have to answer any questions, fill any prescriptions, or ever use a syringe. But since we all know that babies don't come to those that deserve them, or those who have longed for them the most, or those who have spent lots of money to get them, I'm guessing they also don't come to those who are scared to take then next step and therefore would find it really convenient if they came this month.
As for distractions, Pride was lovely, fun, and huge. Much bigger than in my old (beloved and much missed) 'hood. Having friends in town was great, great, great. I didn't partake in the free-flowing alcohol this weekend, but I did eat a lot of crappy food. If I did get pregnant this cycle, the first thing I would have to do is apologize to a little embryo for the Pride D.oritos and the Pride Ice Cream and the Pride Everything Else. But anyway, the distraction was nice. I only thought about whether I'm pregnant or not every 10 seconds (instead of every 5 or so). Sigh. On to the second week of the 2WW.
12 comments:
Triggers aren't as scary as they seem. I promise. I HATE needles and I really was impressed with the fact that it didn't hurt at all. The only thing I really felt was the coldness of the fluid.
It is scary taking that next step. But, like you said it will be worth it to go in with monitoring versus blindly.
xxoo
You know, there's every chance that you won't have to move onto Clomid...I say stay wimpy and hope like hell that this will be your final tww!
Every time we took a step farther into the world of interventions, I mourned it. I know what you are feeling, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I was sad about moving to IUIs, then starting clomid, then moving to the RE, then IVF, etc. It's always disappointing to think, "This? Really? I need this now?"
On the upside, I'm with Heidi - the trigger is no biggie. It's the kind of thing where the anticipation is 10 times worse than the thing itself. Of course, I hope you never learn that first hand. :-)
Thinking of you tonight.
It is definitely a thing to mourn as K said, but what you will find is it is the clomid and trigger will likely not be as awful as you fear, or as big as they seem now.
It's all scary, indeed, but you'll get done what needs doing. And I'm with plump, it seems like this should just go ahead and be your final TWW.
I think its totally natural to feel this way when upping the ante, even when you feel it is teh best course. I related to something Peggy Orrenstein said about feeling like Clomi.d was the gateway drug to fertility treatments. I hope you don't need any of this stuff at all...
(p.s. Pride Dor.itos sound awesome!)
I felt the SAME way about taking clomid last time. The exact same way. And now that I did it (with trigger shot) and it didn't work and I'm on a break, I'm totally second guessing whether or not I needed it. In fact, I'm thinking about not doing it again when we resume.
It is a slippery slope, the upping of the ante, and one that I feel very similarly about.
It's not wimpy to wish for things to be a certain way and to be sad when it doesn't pan out like that. I don't think anybody actually wants to jump through these hoops, or take on the infertile label. I respect you for picking your path at your own pace, and not letting them push you. You'll find your peace with it if you have to, though of course, I hope you won't.
vee
Rabbit hole is definitely an appropriate term. And when I was on clo.mid, I was afraid that every twinge was the beginning of a cyst. But the evil C did not mess with me the way I was afraid it would, and because being on it meant being monitored at the fertility clinic, we caught my ovulation as it was happening, and I didn't even need the trigger shot. (though I did it the month before, and like heidi says, it wasn't bad at all.) $78 bucks of trigger sat in my fridge until I was 7 months preg and finally had the courage to throw it away.
Glad you liked pride here. I had to sit it out this year, but my sweetie marched with lambda and said it was a pretty crazy, chaotic pride.
I think I said to myself "life's short - use western medicine" enough times that I began to believe it. Honestly - I wish I'd ramped it up sooner than I did. Hindsight and all.
It's a scary leap to make, though.
I hear you love. Every word of it resonates inside me. I actually got the infertility sticker put on my chart after only four months. What the muther fuck? We're not infertile hun, but it's hard not to take the steps that make it that much more likely. And scary. We're beside you, cheering you on. ox
It can be scary....but remember MOST women don't have crazy scary side effects from fertility meds.
And I have lots of hope that you don't need to go there anyway.
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