Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The most painful jealousy
My sister is pregnant. My dear, sweet, 100% supportive, totally clued in on our TTC trials, best friend and ally, beautiful sister. My sister who has never had a problem getting pregnant, but has had a problem with losses. My sister who is the mother to my beautiful nephew. My sister who loves me and supports me. My sister who is three years younger than me. My sister who told me she was taking prenatals and was going to tell me when she and her husband officially started trying again, who knew this would be hard on me, but got pregnant by accident before they made the final decision to try again. My sister who is 3 or 4 months along and has been scared to tell me, because it was an accident and she hadn't been able to warn me it was coming. Fuck. I got through the phone call, I could hear the trepidation in her voice, knew instinctively what was up, received her news well, talked to her for 45 minutes without revealing anything but joy. And then hung up and burst into tears. Shaking, heaving sobs. Oh, god. It hurts. It's so unfair. I love her so much, and I desperately want this to be a healthy pregnancy, and I want no pain for her, and I want a sibling for my dear nephew. But fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm flattened.
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20 comments:
I would feel the exact same way...so much so that your post made me tear up. It is okay to be jealous, to feel like your struggles are unfair. They are painful, they do suck. But you are not alone my dear Lizzie and I don't even know your sister and I am jealous. I am also jealous of all of the other ttc'ers who got preggers this cycle because there seem to be so many, and I am not one of them.
I had a similar phone call from my sister on a day when I started my period after what I thought was a hopeful cycle. It broke me. All this is to say that it's the most miserable thing to feel so much pain about something you want to celebreate. I'm so sorry, Lizzie. You will get through this, but right now, it just sucks to have to feel these feelings. Sending hugs and support. xoxo
Oh, hon. I'm so so so sorry. I can't even imagine. I feel terrible, because I've found myself thankful that my living siblings are still far too young for such things, and my next closest cousin & her boyfriend broke up a few months ago, so nothing there. It's bad enough with friends. It's so hard when it's somebody you don't want to be jealous of.
The same exact thing happened to me last week except my sister didn't wait for months to tell me. Unlike you I could not stay on the phone without crying my eyes out. It will be her first, and the first grand child for the family. It is so hard enough to hear about friends getting pregnant but to find out your sister is, is the most painful news. I am hesitant to talk to my family because I am sure they are so excited but it is just a reminder of what we don't have. I feel for you and understand your pain. Keep your head up.
Oh. This made me cry too. It is so painful and I am so sorry you are hurting like this.
Oh, Lizzie, I'm so sorry for your pain. How incredibly hard and complex.
I can only imagine how you are feeling. I just want to wrap a giant hug around you. My sister is 4.5 years younger than me and my best friend as well. She got married last year, but is waiting to have children, even though she has said that, I ask her all the time. Much love to you.
oh hon, i am so sorry. when my SIL announced her pregnancy last november i spent the ENTIRE day crying my eyes out. i couldn't even get out of bed, i was such a mess. i still avoid her, i just can't be truly happy for her, so i figure its better to just stay away... its awful what infertility does to us.
sending you big, big hugs.
I'm so sorry. I've been there. That is a feeling like no other. Jealousy, guilt, joy, guilt, hatred, guilt. And it totally sucks when no one else understands. One of my mom's coworkers took one look at me about 5 months into my sis's prengnancy and said, "well you're obviously not the pregnant one." Nope, I'm the barren one. Thank you for the reminder.
i am SO sorry that you have to go through this... i am glad that you have such an ally and friend in your sister, i am sorry that infertility has reared it's ugly head and kept her from being able to talk with you for fear of hurting you - her dearest one, and that it has kept you (so far) from being the one to tell HER that YOU are pregnant. what a cruel world. sending you love love love my sister in the struggle. xo mulberry
Ouch! No matter how excited you are for your sister, I think it is completely normal to feel that pain. You were very brave to hold it together for the 45 minutes you continued to talk with your sister.
Hugs and I hope you feel better soon.
Oh Lizzie, my eyes are welling up thinking about how much that must hurt. You're in my thoughts.
Oh, I'm so sorry. That is so hard. I can hear the love you have for your sister and the guilt for feeling jeoulous and sad, but don't feel bad for how you feel. It doesn't take away the love you have for your sister and you need to process this your way. You will get through this. I'll be thinking of you. {{{hugs}}}
Oh Lizzie! Isn't this hard enough without it having to get harder? I'm so so sorry about this. Honestly, I've been lapped by everyone and their mother at this point. I've watched a bizillion friends and coworkers have children while I've struggled. But, I frequently turn to S. and say: THANK OUR LUCKY STARS that our siblings are childless and have little to no chance of being otherwise for the forseeable future. To watch a sibling go through pregnancy would break me right now. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to get through it. So...as others have said already...this is a hugely hard thing. Hugs to you, my friend. We got your back.
Oh, Lizzie, what a rough thing. Your feelings are totally valid and I applaud you for being able to be so excited for her on the phone. HUGS
(((hugs)))
I am sorry for the complex pain you are going through. I know that it must hurt deeply right now.
Allow your feelings. It's the only way to move forward. Hugs and love coming your way.
I'm sorry. I totally know how you feel. This ttc thing really sucks!
Oh honey. Just catching up now and came across this post. My heart hurts for you.
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