CD4. I feel weary today. Weary of this process already? How could I be? We've only done two cycles. It feels like sooooo much longer already. Not just because of the anovulatory month that surprised me and scared me and set us back. But because I've been charting since last August. And wanting, wanting, wanting for so much longer than that. And waiting for my relationship and my sweetie and my life to be in the right place to start. I felt like I was behind before I started. And now we've only had two failed cycles, but today it feels like more than that. I know that the average is 6 months. On healthy women with no problems. So what kind of wimp am I? Feeling tired and weary after two failed cycles? Jeez. What kind of instant gratification did I think there was going to be? Whiner. I need to get on the phone and get ahold of some doctors and some alternatives, and make a plan. We had decided to do only three cycles before an HSG. We think my left tube is blocked, and need to know if the right is, too. But we wanted to give it three cycles, just to hope, before paying out of pocket for an HSG. (Damn insurance.) I think we're only going to do one vial/one IUI this month. Not because I think I've figured out the timing (hah! far from it!) but because I'm weary of the cost. With so little information, unmonitored cycles, etc. it feels like a lark to shoot two vials up there. So maybe a single IUI and then on to the doc ....
Today is not fun, but my mood will improve. And please, those of you who have been at this for soooooooooo much longer than we have, don't be too harsh with me. This is a temporary low and I know I'll pick my head back up and be ready to go the distance. And I do know that I am still a novice in these parts. But today I'm weary. I just am. Whether it is deserved or not.
Monday, April 21, 2008
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10 comments:
I so SO understand where you're coming from, though.
*HUGS*
Especially when you take the "wanting kids for as long as I can remember" and add in, "when my mom was my age, she had a 9 year old and a 7 year old."
I feel WAY behind.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I always felt like both an impostor and someone who absolutely belonged and deserved to be there on infertility boards. While it has never taken us all that long to conceive, it did take a long time to get a "keeper" but much more than that were all the years of yearning/waiting/researching/etc. They totally count.
I hope the rest of your wait is shorter.
1 cycle or 100 it doesn't matter, it's hard on people.
(hugs) It will get better :)
Every failed cycle is hard. Every failed cycle is humbling. Every failed cycle carries a tacit threat that something is Actually Wrong, and that's scary. And those things start from square one; they don't kick in out of the blue after X number of tries. Don't beat yourself up for experiencing legitimate emotions about something that hurts in so many ways.
All of my BFNs have sucked, but the one I will always remember more vividly than any other ones was #1. It was such a new and terrible feeling, and that made it stronger and scarier than anything I've experienced since. Everything is relative, and even if you look back on this someday and think it was "nothing" (which I doubt you will, because it really isn't), it's where you are right now and you have every right to honor that. *hugs*
don't worry about feeling wimpy or complaining... everyone that has gotten a bfn understands exactly where you are coming from. Just try to keep your head up and trust your body. There is no easy way around it... this ttc business is hard work.
I felt very very similarly to you after 2 nos as well. By the time I finally got to my first try, I had been researching/charting/planning for a year. ONE FULL YEAR. I felt like I'd been waiting forever. Add to that my wife and I had been together for 8+ years and always knew we would have kids and the fact that I've looked forward to being pregnant for my entire conscious life and it made the waiting stretch back even further in my mind. No lesbian couple ttc w/ a donor starts inseminating the first month they decide they want a kid (the way straight couples can do, if they choose) so the wait is always longer for us. And all those months of planning and research count, even if there aren't 2ww's and bfn's at the end of them.
Anyway, I totally get your hesitence...I've only had 4 nos (and only ONE IUI) so I often feel my complaints and weariness are unwarrented. But, you have to be true to what you feel and this process is so fucking hard and draining.
Hugs.
Hun, I'm only on #4 and you'd think I've been trying for 10 years from how low I've gone too. I think it's always hard, but the first couple are terrible because you have to learn how to lose. How to want and try so hard... lose... then immediately pick up and try again.
Much love and a huge hug.
ox
when there's something you've wanted for a long, long time....each day feels like an eternity before you get there. **hugs**
I totally know that place. Take care of yourself!
(((hugs)))
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